It has come to my attention that you are in need of an employee.

Please understand that I am busy and cannot respond to all but the most qualified candidates who I have agreed to interview with.  The ideal employer will have at least 3-5 years experience dealing with employees, Bachelors degree preferred.  I am looking for solid management, so good managing credentials are a plus.

This is a full time position, so I expect to get 40 hours per week, you must be flexible but consistent.

You must provide your own transportation and valid insurance.  Not caring that I use public transit is a plus, but not required.

I’m looking for a company that is good at working individually and with a team, experience with a fast paced work environment is required.  Please know a bunch of proprietary software and retroactively have several years of experience with it.  You must know how to use MS Office suite, even though anyone with a reasonable grasp of computers does.

Please don’t contact me by phone, e-mail, in person, fax, or telegram.  You must sign up for an account on my private website where you will spend 30 minutes distilling what is already listed on your resume into a series of text fields, while also uploading your resume and ideally a cover letter.  If your actions please the mighty server, your application may be routed to a human being who cares about the content of your character and your resume.

We look forward to hearing from you!  (If your application ever gets past our filters).

Warm regards,